


Paper Cut

by ReinataC



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Nekoma Captain!Kenma, The Author Regrets Everything, University!Kuroo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-01-05 13:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18367094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReinataC/pseuds/ReinataC
Summary: A summary of the past hour of Kenma's life: His crush has just started dating someone, and now he has weird flower petals growing inside his larynx.Great.Or: the Hanahaki AU exactly two (2) people asked for and noone else.





	1. At least the sun's still shining

The lights in the gymnasium are as blinding as ever. He paid attention to the ball being thrown to his side of the court. A one-man time difference, just like what he did countless of times. A memory flashed before him of his first time trying the trick; two simple boys trying out things they saw on TV. very badly. As the ball touched his fingertips he felt a weird pain down his throat. The toss split, and he collapsed to the ground.

The next thing he noticed, Kozume Kenma was violently coughing in the sink, as if there was something stuck in his throat that he couldn’t get out. The sounds of the match continued in the background, and some of his teammates was standing over his shoulder, asking him what’s wrong. He covered his mouth, feeling like something was coming out of his throat. When he looked at his hand, what he saw was sunflower petals, and little buds of forget-me-nots. Something in his mind was sending signals when he saw them, but he couldn’t understand what it was. “Kenma-san, are you okay?” One of the 1st years offered him some water, which he took and drank like nothing ever happened. The pain in his throat was gone, and everything seemed fine.

“I’m fine.” Kenma said, washing down the flower petals in his hand. Luckily no one seemed to have noticed them.

“You guys can go back to the court, I’ll be back in a second.”

They all shared worried looks, but agreed and walked back hesitantly. Kenma sighed, emptying the water bottle in his hand. ‘ _What just happened?’_ He wondered to himself. It’s not like he even saw sunflowers around recently. It’s still spring, and there’s no way it could’ve grown anywhere near here. Were those even sunflower petals? As his thoughts swirled around, he remembered a childhood memory of his. A certain someone gave him sunflowers once. It was a blazing hot summer day, and he’d just got back from a trip to the countryside. When his father parked the car and he stepped outside, a boy was waiting for him, with a dirty volleyball on his left hand and a handful of sunflowers on his right. “Welcome back!” Kuroo’s voice rang through his mind, and he snapped back to reality.

From the crack of the gymnasium door he could see the practice match still being played. Bright red uniforms jumping about. Another point for the opponent. He better head back soon, he thought. He dismissed what just happened as his own imagination, and walked back to the match. The first match without Kuroo around.

An overlapping ensemble of “great work today!” and “see you tomorrow”s can be heard from the club room. Kenma sat there in the corner, having already changed to his uniform and just waiting for everyone to finish. He checked his phone as saw that he had unread messages. Mostly from Kuroo.

 **3:01 PM** _Wow i think i actually got a love letter?_

Kenma’s eyes widen for a bit, and he could feel a sharp pain in his chest.

 **3:02 PM** _Shit, do you remember my class rep from high school? Yui-chan. She’s in the same math class as I am and she handed me a letter just now. It has hearts on the cover._

 **3:02 PM** _Kenma, she’s really cute what do I do_

 **3:05 PM** _I just read the letter. It’s actually a love letter. What the hell?_

 **3:05 PM** _Kenma answer me._

 **3:10 PM** _Kenma read your goddamn texts for once in your life i swear to god._

 **3:13 PM** _Wait i forgot you had practice match today_

 **3:13 PM** _Sorry._

 **3:13 PM** _Anyway she told me to meet me this afternoon? Should i go? I probably should._

 **5:46 PM** _I might have… gotten myself a girlfriend?_

 **5:46 PM** _Holy shit. I'M TAKEN._

The painful itch on the back of his throat came back, but that was the least of his concerns now. After breathing deep, he typed finally:

 **5:57 PM** _Wow, I really don't care._

Kenma threw the keys he was holding over to Yamamoto and told him to lock up in his place. “I'm going ahead." he forced out as he rushed through the door.

Kenma couldn't process his own thoughts as he walked out of school grounds in a hurried pace. He was too tired to run but too panicked to care―even though he shouldn't be, theoretically. He knew this day was coming. Kuroo's too attractive for his own good honestly, despite being the insensitive _asshole_ that he is. He's got enough of a pretty face and too much of a beautiful smile for his...  kind (his ‘kind' being ‘people who are always, constantly, perpetually up to absolutely nothing good'). Of course _some_ people (who obviously doesn't know any better) will find him attractive. Attractive enough to date, even. So what if one of said “people" finally showed up?

There was a pain in his chest that he couldn't stomach. He felt like crying, but held back. The itch from inside his throat finally became painful enough that he had to stop running. Was he even running? he didn't notice that. _‘I'm tired already, dammit._ ' he mumbled under his breath as he leaned against a vending machine and let out violent coughs; wet, broken flower petals falling down as he did so. The small forget-me-nots got out relatively easily whenever he coughed, but there was still something there. He reached into his mouth and the tips of his two fingers brushed against something soft. He could almost feel the touch, like something was pulling on the walls of his larynx as he moved the thin object around. He pulled them out with force using his thumb and pointer fingers, fighting against the painful feeling from his throat; about five or six sunflower petals was pulled out― the ends dirtied with fresh blood.

_What the hell was happening?_

When Kenma finally got home that evening he was tired, upset, and the pain in his throat wouldn't go away no matter what. He drank water like normal, and it was like the flower petals was never there. He didn't have an ounce of appetite and said sorry to his mom as he walked upstairs. Truth is he was probably hungry. He couldn't tell for himself; his chest felt heavy, his stomach swirling as he tried to process what just happened in the past hour. He opened his phone again―another message from Kuroo:

 **6:58 PM** _You demon. At least pretend like you do._

 **7:03 PM** _Could it be, is Kenma-san jealous of me? (ﾉ´∀｀*)_

 **7:03 PM** _Don't worry Kenma, you'll find a girlfriend soon :)_

 **7:04 PM** _Maybe stop playing games all the time and actually talk to girls in your class? I'm sure that will help._

Kenma sighed. he typed in “screw you." and sent it before burying his face in his pillow.

A summary of the past hour of Kenma's life: His crush (Kenma’s still holding grudges with that statement but we’ll leave it be for now) has just started dating someone, and now he has weird flower petals (Really?) growing inside his larynx. _Great_.

_Life always finds the best way to fuck you over all the time, doesn't it?_

\-----

Kenma can hear his family making noises downstairs. Noises he’d rather not hear. His mom’s voice, saying  “Tetsu-kun, congratulations on getting on S university! How was your first week?”, chairs being pulled out, and a certain ex-captain’s sheepish laugh. He sighed from under his mask, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Sure enough, a few minutes later he could hear his mom calling for him:

“Hey, Kenma! Tetsu-kun’s here, come downstairs and talk to him will you?!”

Kenma grumpily walked down and nodded at Kuroo, who he hasn’t seen in quite a while. Maybe a month? Kenma sat down on the sofa as his mother walked back from the kitchen with iced tea (for Kuroo) and water (for him). “Sorry, Tetsu-kun, Kenma’s been coughing a lot lately, It’s probably a cold or something. Please don’t mind the mask.” His mother explained, conveniently. ‘ _What kind of cold has flower petals involved in the process?_ ’, Kenma thought, but he wouldn’t say that out loud, obviously. “Ah, It’s okay auntie, don’t worry.” Kuroo smiled again; Kenma could feel the insides of his stomach being tugged with every glance he took. It’s been a while since he’s seen Kuroo around. He was busy with his own school-related things, Kenma figures. It’s not that big of a deal. He dismissed the weird butterflies in his stomach and focused inappropriately hard on trying not to smile given the fact that no one will find out thanks to the mask he was wearing.

A few chit-chats here and there, and his mother finally hinted Kuroo to go upstairs. He followed, despite the fact that Kenma was weirdly against it. Actually, he wasn’t against it―in fact he was probably happy that he got to talk to Kuroo again, but he’d rather die than admit that fact. “You okay?” Kuroo asked when they entered the room.

“What?”

“Your cold. If you’re feeling unwell I can leave?”

“Oh.” Kenma paused for a second, _‘I hate how thoughtful you are sometimes.’_

“No, It’s fine.” Kenma said, but then he realized it was getting a little hard to breathe. Ignoring the weird sensation he felt down his throat, he added: “How was university.”

“Oh, it was good. You know, what you’d expect. I joined the volleyball team, and everyone was pretty nice…” Kenma stared at him for a while, observing him as he talked. When he finally paused, Kenma said again:

“How was it, really?”

Hearing that, Kuroo paused for a second before sighing; he let out a relieved laugh, “You’re so perceptive it’s scary.”. Kenma said nothing, hinting at him to continue.

“Well, the upperclassmen turned out to be a real dick. Both in the volleyball team and my department. I don’t even know what got into them that made them act that way?”

Kuroo threw his to Kenma’s bed, visibly tired. “Now I really get what you mean when you said you hated the hierarchy.”

Kenma just hummed in response. Just a few sentences, and they’re back to their old pace again. Kuroo continued telling stories (and complaints) about his new university life and Kenma just listened, occasionally giving remarks here and there. He missed this, Kenma realized suddenly. He missed this a lot. He missed talking to Kuroo, watching his dumb antics and seeing his atrocious hairstyle and hearing his stupid laugh; more than anything, he missed Kuroo. It was only a little over a month, and it’s nothing new that Kuroo graduated ahead of him, but Kenma missed having Kuroo around so badly.

But again, he’d rather die than admit that, so he just kept listening.

“..Anyway I’m pretty sure I was witnessing power abuse over there and I don’t know what to do.” Kuroo ended his paragraph with a sigh; to which Kenma just hummed in agreement.

“Well… Just ignore them. They don’t know any better than to lash out their frustrations on you.”

Kuroo chuckled, surprised that Kenma’s actually trying to cheer him up.  “Yeah, you’re right about that.” He answered.

“When ignoring them doesn’t work… you can play with me, you know, sometimes.”

An exaggerated “Oh?” sound came out of Kuroo’s mouth, and he immediately regrets his sentence. “You’re actually inviting me to play volley? Kenma is?”

“Just sometimes I said.” Kenma cut Kuroo’s teasing short, then added: “Since.. You know. I hate it just as much as you do.”

“Probably more” Kuroo chimed in; then Kenma smirked, “Yeah, probably more.”

Seeing Kenma’s reaction, Kuroo’s (to be fair, fiendish) mind somehow took it as a green light to continue teasing, so after a moment of pause he moved to reach both of his hands and wrap it around Kenma, saying

“Thank you~~~!! So Kenma-kun can be kind as well huh!!”

And inevitably, without any pause, Kenma shoved him away, the pain in his throat just increasing by the second.  “Ew, stop.”

Kuroo laughed as he returned to his position leaning on the bedside. “I’m kidding. I know you’re actually very kind.”

Kenma’s heart ached, and he could feel the flower petals brushing the back of his throat. He forced them out with two short coughs, enduring the bitter aftertaste of keeping them inside his mouth instead of spitting them out as usual. “Stop that, seriously.” He said, still expressionless.

“You know, if you were a girl I’d probably date you.” Kuroo smirked to him teasingly.

‘ _Out of all the things you could possibly say to praise me, Kuro, you really picked the worst one_ .’ Kenma notes to no one other than himself; breathing has just become _that_ much painful for him. “You’re being rude to your girlfriend.” He said finally, ignoring the thought.

Kuroo grinned again, genuinely this time,

“Kenma’s an exception!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter was not beta read, still messy, and I will probably edit it later. It's just here to motivate me to write more... next chapters will be longer (hopefully) but please leave your kudos and comments if you want to see more!! i swear it won't take that long (again, hopefully)


	2. The game of life (and denials)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a visit to the doctor's office, a riverbank date, and a test to see just how stubborn Kozume Kenma can be.

The violent coughs that followed that statement might have scared Kuroo a little too much than Kenma would’ve pleased―because shortly afterwards, Kuroo left, ushering him to get some rest. 

And so, having nothing better to do, he did, feelings still cloudy and everything; or at least he tried to. Even late into the night―when he could feel the air as it brushes through the array of petals he knew was still in his throat―he still couldn’t shake off the feeling of having Kuroo by his side after so long; the warmth of his presence. Before, Kuroo was always there for him, always present at just the right distance. Not too far, not too close. It gave time and space for his feelings to grow. Now that he’s lost the proximity, he realized that it had grown in a way that he did not intend. It had grown into romantic feelings; into love. Or maybe it hadn’t changed at all, maybe it was just there this whole time and he never really realized it. What apparently turned out to be 10 years worth of one-sided love was now resting on his shoulders, attacking his feelings and consuming much of his thought.

And Kenma was very much scared of that.

That fear proved to exist completely independent of Kuroo and his actions, however, as Kenma saw him spamming hits on the doorbell from his bedroom window the next morning. A grumpy face (visible even with the mask on) and a dry “Why do you have to visit two days in a row?” was the greeting Kenma gave him when he finally opened the door. 

“Your family mentioned that they’ll be away today, and so I thought I should take care of you in their place! I’m taking you to the doctor’s office.”

Kenma was just about to win the argument on whether or not he should let Kuroo drag him away―or more importantly, force him to change out of his comfortable pajamas―when Kuroo (being the prick that he is) called his parents and reported his intentions. With a “Thank you Tetsu-kun, you’re a lifesaver!” from Kenma’s mother perfectly audible on loudspeaker, Kenma’s vindiction has now been utterly dismissed.

Kuroo, completely ignoring the fact that doing so would be considered illegal, told Kenma to hop on to his bicycle back seat and they both pedaled their way to the doctor’s office; that is to say, Kenma lazily sat backwards leaning on Kuroo’s back while admiring the scenery as Kuroo cursed under his breath because he forgot how heavy riding doubles were.

The weirdness of physical pain is that, once it passes, if it passes, it does that in a way that it somehow becomes hard to remember. As Kenma sat there, comfortably leaning to the (suffering) man behind him, it was almost as if nothing was wrong with the world he lived in; as if he haven’t been experiencing an error with how vegetation and human anatomy works. The breaths he took from under the mask right now felt light―it felt normal. He could still remember where it aches, where he pulled the flower petals from, but he couldn’t remember the sensation of it; the sharp, piercing pain.

\-----

“What did the doctor say?” Kuroo stood up immediately when he saw Kenma’s dirty blond hair come out from the other side of the door.

“Nothing.” Kenma said.

“What do you mean nothing?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t have a fever or anything… I’m fine Kuro.” 

Kuroo then stared at him, utterly unconvinced. Kenma added ”She mentioned pharyngitis, but it was healing already and there were no signs of viral infection. She said it’ll go away on its own so I said no to the medicine.”

Of course, Kenma  _ could _ mention the flower petals he saw; it was just that he didn’t want to sound like an idiot―and also because he felt like even if the doctor did believe in what he said, it will only lead to something worse. His sloppy search on the internet lead to nothing good either, so he didn’t know where to start looking for information―assuming he did want to look for it. A part of him thinks (or at least, hopes) it’s going to just disappear suddenly, saving him from all the trouble, and he’s still counting on that to happen. Sure enough, there were no symptoms (if you could even call it that. Kenma’s still dubious on this whole thing) today, so he assumed that he was in the clear.

Kuroo dropped the question after a few more explanation and they walked back to the parking lot. Kenma was starting to enjoy his time riding the bicycle (as people tend to do when they’re not the one doing the pedalling), feeling the spring breeze brush his cheeks. Maybe the weird error did disappear after all. It was comfortable and nostalgic, and Kenma relaxed into his seat, thinking about the game he left unfinished―that is, until, Kuroo stopped by the riverbank and made him remember the whole deal about romantic feelings all over again. “I’m taking a break! My legs are about to come off” Kuroo exclaimed with a drawn out breath.

“That’s rich coming from the ex-captain”

Who cares about some dumb flowers when you have a far more annoying problem at hand?  _ ‘That’s right, goddamnit.’ _ Kenma remembered, mostly in annoyance,  _ ‘I forgot about this guy and his stupid girlfriend.’  _ Who’s even dumb enough to date Kuroo? The man in question is literally out there picking dandelions despite being a grown ass teenager fresh out of high school.  _ ‘What’s there to like about him, really?’  _ He reasoned with himself, then Kuroo looked over to him with a big smile and said “I found some yellow ones too!” And Kenma’s heart is burning, both with fondness and with complete and utter resentment.

So much has changed about Kuroo and Kenma’s feelings for him (or at least, how he sees it now that he realized it’s there) in the last few days that he can barely keep up. He sat on the slope near where they parked their bicycle as Kuroo lied down by his side, toying with the dandelions he just collected. Kenma pulled out some grass from beside him and started digging his nails into that instead.

“You know, I remember when you used to get colds all the time.” Kuroo started.

“You’d always catch colds right after matches, almost like your body didn’t have a shred of motivation left to even defend itself against the virus.”

“Well, to be fair, that was beyond my control.”

“And school trips, too. Every single time you would beg your parents to let you skip, and after you come home you’d stay absent for like two, three days, out with a burning fever.”

Kenma could feel his chest tighten again. Every glance he took of Kuroo, he could feel a weird tug of his insides; accompanied by a soft, prickling pain from his chest. (He didn’t know if it was the flower petals again or if it was something else, but it was there). ‘ _ He’s not even doing anything’ _ Kenma internally reminds himself, though clearly it doesn’t seem to be helping.

Love was too strong a word to describe what he feels right now, he reckoned; though he didn’t actually know  _ what  _ it was. When people talk about love, they tend to think about falling in love; even more specifically, falling in love at first sight. They tend to think about that magical moment, when suddenly your world is filled by color and everything seems different once you’ve experienced it―Kenma’s never had that. He’s not even sure if he believes in it. It might be one of those things that you romanticize as you go along. But then again, he’s been staring at Kuroo for what should be an inappropriate amount of time now already, so he’s really not one to talk. 

He damn well knows what he felt inside the pit of his stomach and the inside of his chest. There was comfort, and a sense of security; of familiarity. There was also a bursting sense of fondness to it (which Kenma deems completely unwanted and also utterly misplaced). But more than that, it was longing. All of which can be explained by the word  _ ‘love’  _ of course, but it was also different from the  _ ‘love’  _ that he knew about. It felt like being in love without ever falling in love.

The more he thinks about it, the more he’s convinced that the word  _ ‘love’  _ is nothing short of an unmitigated disaster. So many feelings could be described as love, so many different experiences, and we only have so many characters for it. Surely thinking about this was a mistake. He felt a tingle on the back of his throat again. ‘ _ Oh great, it’s back.’ _ Kenma thought.

“Kenma?” Kuroo’s tone broke his train of thought. “Were you listening?”

"Was it even important?” Kenma said finally;

“Well, no, but you could at least try to pay attention.”

“Yeah, yeah. I am paying attention. Super paying attention.” Kenma answered with a straight face.

Kuroo snorted, and it was like the feelings he kept hidden inside his chest just exploded. “What’s with that.” He said while laughing, and Kenma was instantly caught between two life crisis:

  1. He took back all those soliloquies about not believing in falling in love at first sight. Obviously the world is more complicated than that, because now he’s realized that he’s maybe experienced it a couple thousand times now (He still doesn’t believe in it anyway.)
  2. He caught his breath, and it seemed like something was touching the back end of his throat now because the gag reflexes are signaling his brain like goddamn fireworks.



“You laugh at the stupidest of things.” Kenma said after forcing out a little cough, almost pushing the words out of his mouth. It’s starting to get a little hard to breathe again.

“Are you ready to go back now? I need to finish my game.”

“You’re always finishing games all the time, it doesn’t matter.”

“This one’s good.”

“And you’re gonna be bummed when it’s over like you always do. Be patient.”

Kenma huffs, and when he did he felt a tingling pain on his chest. “Let’s go back.” He asked again, trying to sound like nothing’s wrong with his larynx. Kuroo grunted as he stood up and mumbled something under his breath. Soon they were both riding back to Kenma’s house; Kenma sitting properly this time (or, as proper as you can sit while committing something so clearly stated as being against Tokyo traffic laws), facing Kuroo’s back and holding on to his sides as he struggled to keep his mouth shut. Eventually that failed, however, because the longer he leaves it be the more painful it gets. When the flower petals finally reached the back of his mouth he gagged, prompting Kuroo to stop and steer to the side.

Kenma kept coughing on and on; one of his hand reached out to lean against the wall when he finally got off the bicycle. He couldn’t take his mask off with Kuroo around, but he could tell that the little forget-me-not buds were coming out of his mouth. Again. As if that wasn't weird enough, his chest also felt tight, as if something was blocking the air from coming in. Kuroo exclaimed something about getting him a drink, and the moment Kenma saw him look away to find the nearest vending machine, he took off his mask and spat out the flower petals he had in his mouth. The corner of his lips was messy and he was in pain, but at least he managed to breathe again. 

Swallowing the metallic tasting blood in his mouth, he immediately wiped everything off when he heard Kuroo run towards him. “Are you  _ sure _ the doctor was telling the truth?” Kuroo asked, worry reflected in his eyes.

“Yeah.” Kenma answered, then realized how raspy his voice sounded. He grabbed the water Kuroo brought him and drank it, despite the pain still prickling in his throat. “It’s fine.” He said.

“You don’t sound fine.”

“You’re worrying too much.”

Kuroo ruffled Kenma’s hair, staring him with what Kenma can only decipher as affection. “It’s my job to look after you.”

Kenma let out a small cough, both due to necessity and as a distraction from Kuroo’s warm gesture. He pushed Kuroo’s hand away, “Since when?” He asked monotonously, finally regaining his voice.

“Uh, from the beginning?” Kuroo answered, to which kenma just waved his hand at in dismission, already walking towards their (his) bicycle. “I probably just need some rest.” Kenma added when he saw Kuroo stare at him.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then…” Kuroo hesitantly moved back and started to pedal again, slowly this time. After a minute or two of riding in silence, Kuroo asked again “Are you  _ sure? _ We can go back and ask for the medicine if you want... _ ” _

“I am, Kuro. Don’t worry.”

Kuroo sighed, still unconvinced, but he didn’t say anything after. When they got home Kenma insisted that he’ll be fine on his own―and that no, he didn’t need someone to look after him―and yes, he won’t spend his time playing games all day (that’s what he promised, at least; Kenma had a very different definition of the word ‘all day’ than most people probably do, especially when it came to playing games.)

“Get well soon.” Kuroo said as a final goodbye. “I’ll see you around next week when I visit home.”

“Yeah.” Kenma replied, and then “Thanks.”

Despite being sure he got all the flower petals out on his way there, he could feel his breath getting heavier and heavier as he watched Kuroo’s back walk away from the front door. The weight of the plastic bag full of stuff Kuroo bought for him hanged heavily in his hand, as if trying to remind him of Kuroo’s gentle touch and gestures. He didn’t say anything as he closed the door, wanting nothing but rest, or at the very least, a distraction from his now very weird life.

\-----

Kenma considered skipping volley practice if the weird coughing kept happening. But after 2 days being in the clear, he came back to the court on Monday, not least because he has a practice match with Fukurodani today. All and all it went well, and they were just about to wrap up the practice for today when Akaashi approached him. “I couldn’t believe you became captain when Taketora told me…” He said, sitting next to him.

“Please don’t ask how it happened… They decided on it while I was asleep.” Kenma sighed. Akaashi chuckled, “seems like something they’d do.”

Lev who heard the conversation piped in, “Kuroo-san was the one who suggested it!” and Kenma could feel his breath hitch.

“I’m sure that’s the case.” Akaashi responded, ”And Kuroo-san would be right to do so.”

“I don’t know how you managed to get the impression that I’m suited for this, but I’m not.”

“Don’t say that Kenma-san! Kuroo-san said you’d be great at it!”

“What makes you think Kuro’s right?”

“Well, I agreed to what he said,” Lev announced proudly. “He made a whole speech about you, since he said you wouldn’t have a speech of your own.”

“I have heard about this speech.” Kenma deadpanned, not knowing what to feel. “I have absolutely no interest.” The truth is a part of him probably wants to know what Kuroo said about him, but another part (the majority) just  _ knows _ that it’s going to be something dumb.

“What did he say?” Akaashi’s question almost made Kenma’s heart jump out; he didn’t show any obvious reaction, but he was paying attention to the conversation now.

“Well, first of all he mentioned that you’re a really good observer… You know the team very well and that includes how to deal with them. Your volley skills can’t be doubted and your instincts are great as well. And he also mentioned that you actually care about the team and encourage us all the time…”

“Do you  _ really  _ think that?” Kenma said, his tone skeptical.

“Yes! Kenma-san, you can be terrifying sometimes but you’re kind, after all.” Lev answered him; Kenma made a gagging sound, not buying a single word he’s saying. He was just about to get up and leave when Lev added:

“And Kuroo-san also said that he’ll trust you with basically anything.”

Kenma paused for a while, not knowing how to react to that. 

“Truly his greatest mistake.”

“Don’t say that Kenma-san! He entrusted the Nekoma volleyball team to you, after all! And we trust you just as much as Kuroo-san does!”

Kenma sighed in defeat; Akaashi smiled to him and gave him an “aren’t you glad, Kozume.” before walking away, leaving him alone with the volleyball he forgot he was holding.

He stared at it for a while, thinking about what Lev said.  _ ‘He’ll Trust you with basically anything’  _ seems like an exaggeration Lev would definitely make without even realizing it, but it’s also something Kuroo’s said to him once.

> _ “I trust you with basically anything, you know?” _
> 
> _ “Really?” _
> 
> _ “...Well, not  _ anything _. I wouldn’t trust you enough to let you buy a new game on exams week, probably, but you get what I mean.” _
> 
> _ “Nope, not really.” _
> 
> _ “Oh come on, you’re no fun.” _

Kenma’s chest ached in a way that he absolutely hated. His stomach was forming knots and twists and it made him uncomfortable. He rolled his eyes, dismissing the thoughts once again, and stood back up. Without realizing it his throat began to feel itchy again; his breath unusually heavy. _‘Oh Great.’,_ He mouthed inaudibly. Is it happening again? He’s going to have to get away fast. Kenma swiftly put the ball he was holding back to the storage room and walked to the back of the gymnasium, hoping no one would notice.

\-----

The sunflower petals he pulled out had even more blood on them than before―the forget-me-not buds growing larger in quantity―and he briefly considered putting them in a Ziploc bag to bring to the doctor’s office later when he heard footsteps on the grass nearby. He quickly turned on the faucet to wash down all the flowers and looked around. He then saw a familiar figure hiding behind the gymnasium door.

“...Keiji?”

Akaashi peeked out from behind the door, and Kenma turned the faucet back off once he’s sure he’s gotten rid of everything. “Do you need anything?” he asked him, carefully observing his reactions.

“Um… Are you okay?” Akaashi asked hesitantly.

“Yeah.”

“What was that…? The thing on your hand just now...”

“What? Nothing.” Kenma replied indifferently.

Akaashi gulped and stopped him when he was just about to walk back to the gymnasium. “I’m sorry, I saw everything. Those were flower petals, weren’t they?”

“What?”

“Kozume… do you know what caused it?”

Kenma sighed; Akaashi’s serious expression made him realize he wouldn’t be able to get out of this, so he sat down on the stairs leading to the gymnasium and leaned against both his arms resting on his sides. “I wish I did.”

“Have you gone to the doctor? Or maybe searched the internet…?”

“Yes, and yes. I haven’t found anything though. And I couldn’t really mention to the doctor about the flower petals, but I did go.”

“I thought so…” Akaashi mumbled just loud enough for Kenma to pick up. Then he asked again after a long pause, hesitation clear in his tone: “Kozume… Do you have anyone you like?”

Kenma was caught off guard with this question; He didn’t expect to get interrogated about his feelings in the middle of a conversation about what he could only describe as a glitch in the field of biology. “...What brought this up?”

“Well…Do you?”

Kenma thought for a second. ‘ _ Yes.’  _ He knew what the answer was.  _ ‘Kuro.’,  _ But, for the third time, he probably would rather die than admit that, so he stayed silent. “Why are you asking this?” He asked instead.

Akaashi craned his neck and looked away for a second, “I’ve heard of it before. In an old novel.”

“Heard of what?”

“A sickness where you start growing… flowers… in your throat.”

“And why did you ask me about―”

“It’s a symptom of one-sided love.”

Hearing this, Kenma finally showed a change in expression.

“A disease that accompanies the pain of romantic affection not returned.” 

He wasn’t expecting that, but the seemingly random times where the symptoms would show up suddenly made sense. He still finds it hard to believe, but it’s the only explanation he’s gotten so far, so he listened anyway.

Akaashi scratched the back of his head, his voice soft when he finally muttered “I don't think it is but…” Kenma swallowed, the pain in his throat felt minuscule compared to the stirring of his stomach and its insides. “The person you like...” He paused, and then:

”Could it be… Kuroo-san?”

Silence. But Kenma’s inability to deny it meant everything to Akaashi. “It is, isn’t it?” he asked again, “Kozume?”, and again when Kenma deliberately looked away from Akaashi’s inquiring eyes.

“It’s not.” Kenma said finally.

“Really?”

“...That doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. Whoever it is, you need to tell them about your feelings.”

“Why?”

“Because you're going to die if you don't.” Akaashi’s words were firm. Kenma looked over, looking for an explanation. “Your symptoms will worsen if you leave it be. It’s only going to disappear if the other person accepts you.”

His eyes winced in slight discomfort at that statement. “And if he doesn’t…?” He asked, already knowing what the answer would be.

“Well…” Akaashi hesitated, but then Kenma cut him off, “I’ll die anyway.”

Akaashi nodded slowly.

“Thought so.” 

“Kuroo-san’s not going to reject you.” Akaashi said finally.  _ ‘I never said it was about Kuro.’ _ Kenma wanted to retort, but decided that it’s futile effort. “I’m not confessing.” He said instead.

“Besides, that’s just in your novel. There’s no guarantee that it’ll go away even if I did.”

“I’m willing to bet that it’s the best explanation you’ve gotten so far.” Akaashi said, to which Kenma replied: “Well,  _ yeah _ , but-”

“It’s worth a shot.”

“No.”

“Why not? I’m sure it will turn out fine. Kuroo-san thinks very highly of you.”

“It won’t, Keiji,” Kenma sighed, “You don’t understand.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because we’ve been friends for,  _ I don’t know, _ forever―and he just doesn’t see me that way.”

“And how do you know that?”

Kenma’s eyebrows twitched, clearly not amused by his persistence. “I just do.” He said, “And plus he has a girlfriend now, so, too bad.”

“Oh…” Akaashi fell silent. “Really?” he asked, unconvinced.

“Yeah. He told me a few days ago.”

“...Well, but still. There’s no guarantee that―”

“No means no.” Kenma huffed and stood up, trying to end the conversation. 

In a defeated tone, Akaashi told him, “Just… Please consider it, at least. Even if you don’t trust me about the flowers, I really think Kuroo-san would have no reason to reject you.”

“Except for the girlfriend he currently has?” Kenma said in a straight tone. Akaashi looked down and didn’t say anything, which means it’s his win.

“...I’m going home.”

Akaashi didn’t respond to him and just sat there as he walked away.

\-----

Kenma’s thoughts were messy as he walked home.  _ ‘A symptom of one-sided love? Really?’.  _ Part of him just wants to ignore what Akaashi said, but it made sense. All the times it’s been actively hurting him, he was always thinking about Kuroo in one form or another. On the train he browsed a little more and finally found the novel Akaashi was talking about. He read the summary and reviews, skimming from page to page, unconvinced, but curious. In the story, the main character dies without telling the person she loves how she felt. Her throat was completely blocked by rose petals and she passed out and collapsed in the middle of the night whilst crying; the person she loved had just told her that he was getting married that afternoon ( _ ‘Keiji reads stuff like this?’  _ He questioned, but then he kept it to himself). The only person who knew about the disease was a witch, who told her that, if the other party doesn’t return her feelings genuinely, she will die― _”not so much of not being able to breathe, but of heartbreak”_ , read a quote from the novel. 

The description of the symptoms in the book was eerily similar to what he had experienced in the past few days. It presented itself as red spots in the back of her throat, one of the main signs of pharyngitis, when she goes about her everyday life; When she’s reminded of the heartache, of the longing, her breath would feel heavy―blocked by the petals growing on the walls of her larynx. It was described as ‘not whole flowers, but just a cluster of petals, stemming on the walls and slowly growing to cover up the airways’. It gradually becomes more and more frequent as time goes on―as if ushering her to convey her feelings before it’s too late―and she died a little over a month after the symptoms started appearing.

_ ‘Well that sure is encouraging to hear.’  _ Kenma thought. It took him a few seconds to wrap his head around the situation.  _ A disease that stems out of one-sided love.  _ It sounds ridiculous and appallingly unscientific, but it’s the best hypothesis he’s got so far. The only one, actually. He’s not sure he has any choice but to just accept it.

“You have  _ got _ to be kidding me.” He laughed exasperatedly, leaning back to his seat. 

From what he can gather, The game of life has just glitched on him, and Kenma is suddenly faced with the most ridiculous set of choices of all time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> - _"The word ‘love’ is an unmitigated disaster."_ Is a quote from the podcast "The Anthropocene Reviewed" by John Green. (If any of you listen to that podcast you'll realize that it's a big inspiration source of mine so please forgive me for revisiting the concepts mentioned in that podcast A Lot. If you haven't listened to it: Please do.)  
>   
> -Thank you to Mads (@todxrxki on twitter) for making that one Captain!Kenma thread because it is my life and also the ONLY thread Ever!  
>   
> -Basically i'm a fake writer who writes shit based on others' works all the time forgive me :")  
>   
> -Look... In my defense I'm just an engineering student with absolutely No time on my hands; I've never taken any lessons on creative writing, English is not my first language, and biology is by far my worst subject. So please forgive me for the extremely sub-sub-par quality of this fic. I just wanted to get it out of my head.  
> -Updates will be no faster than once a week (unless higher education suddenly got cancelled), and no longer than a human lifetime. I give out no promises because it takes me a while to be able to accept a block of text enough to publish it; I apologize in advance and WILL be giving out free apologies for everyone once the actual pain starts.  
> -I will finish this even if it kills me, because, fun fact: I'm already dead.


	3. We're both guilty of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma just couldn’t help but think about what Akaashi said; and as the pain in his chest grows to be more and more noticeable, so does the weight of every rise and fall of his chest. 
> 
> It was painful, but as much as he wanted to stop, he also loved hearing Kuroo’s voice.

As the day changes to night Kenma arrived at his home, greeted with warm food and a smile from his mother. “Dinner’s ready!” She exclaimed from inside the kitchen, prompting him to change his clothes and sit down on the dining table. Kenma briefly considered telling his parents about what Akaashi told him, but since he himself still didn’t believe what he was experiencing, he decided not to. After a quick wash in the bathroom he went downstairs and sat on the dining room. A little while later his mother also sat down in front of him, placing a bowl of potato gratin and oolong tea on the table. “How was school?” She began the conversation.

“Normal… The practice match went well.”

“Really? I’m glad then.” She said, then added ‘Captain-san’ just to piss him off. Kenma gave her a  _ look,  _ to which his mother just responded with a little laugh. The smile stayed on her face as she resumed the conversation.

“Did the coughing get any better?”

Kenma hesitated for a second. “A bit.” He said finally, and then after a pause:

“…Would you mind it if I got hospitalized?”

“What?” his mother asked, surprised by the sudden question. “Is it that bad? Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No… just asking.”

“Well… Of course I would be.”

“Right.”

He wanted to ask ‘ _ and if I died? _ ’ but didn’t have the heart to do so, so he stayed silent, and the two continued the conversation nonchalantly. 

After all, the story he heard sounded too much of a fantasy for him to believe.

Kenma came back to a message from Kuroo when he finished bathing.

**8:12 PM** How are you?

**_8:18 PM_ ** _ Fine. Just got home. _

Not expecting an answer right away, Kenma was just about to start working on his homework when he heard the sound of a new text notification

**8:19 PM** Can I call?

**_8:19 PM_** _…? Sure?_

Not even a minute later his phone buzzed with a video call request. He picked up, but didn’t bother taking his phone off the table, still busy picking his books off the shelf. The other side of the phone was noisy, background noise filled Kenma’s room, much to his chagrin. “What’s up?” Kenma asked, his face still off the camera currently pointing to the ceiling.

“Not much. I’m at my dorm common area, sorry if it’s noisy.” Kuroo said, and then he shouted “Shut up guys, I’m in a call!” to the people chattering behind him. The noise died down a bit (a little tiny bit), and Kenma finally sat at his desk and moved his phone. Kuroo thought it was so that he can see his face, but instead Kenma put it horizontally at his desk, resting against a stack of books with the front camera facing an open book and Kenma’s right hand, holding a pencil. “Oh, come on. When will you ever learn to video call properly?”

“I’m charging my phone.” Kenma deadpanned. “So why did you call me?”

“What? Can’t I be worried about my sick friend?”

“I’m not sick.” Kenma said, but he can already feel that his throat tickled as the foreign objects began to, god forbid, grow…? Out of the inner walls. As crazy as that thought seemed to be.

“You should really get some medicine… And get yourself checked somewhere proper. Your cough didn’t sound good.”

“I’m fine, Kuro.”

Kuroo didn’t answer, and when he glanced at the screen it showed a slanted video of a big room violently moving around. Kenma followed the albeit choppy movements until it stopped and showed Kuroo’s (annoying) face again. He appears to be in a dimly lit area away from the crowd. Behind him Kenma could barely make out a garden with flowers and (what he assumes to be) beautiful lights.

“Sorry, they were being noisy.” Kuroo said finally, resting against a wooden railing. Kenma hummed in response, “It’s okay.”

“Did the doctor really not tell you anything?”

“No, Kuro, and if you keep asking I’m going to hang up.”

“Okay, okay, Geez.” Kuroo laughed and motioned his left hand signaling that he’ll dismiss the topic. “How was the practice match then?”

“Why do you know that we had a practice match? creepy.”

“You should try being on Twitter sometime. You can actually, uh, know shit.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So how was it?”

“Fine. We lost a couple match, also won some… Nothing special.”

“Hmm… And how’s being captain working out for you?”

“I  _ will  _ kill you.”

“Aw, don’t be shy. I’m sure you’re doing great.”

Despite Kuroo’s teasing, the conversation continued naturally. Not even 5 minutes has past and it’s almost like they’re in the clubroom again, noisy, tired evenings where they would banter about mundane things just to pass time. Or maybe like their train ride home, quiet and calm, where he would lose track of time playing games and talking, with the warmth of the other by his side. Or their pit stop at the nearest general store, or maybe even the river bank they often stopped by on their walk home during middle school.

But something’s different now. Fundamentally so. Both the awareness of his feelings and the physical object currently touching the insides of his larynx were like a curse that forbids him from falling back into the past. He could only stay so long in nostalgia before he has to remind himself to straighten his back so that his breaths doesn’t get too shallow. Kenma just couldn’t help but think about what Akaashi said; and as the pain in his chest grows to be more and more noticeable, so does the weight of every rise and fall of his chest. 

It was painful, but as much as he wanted to stop, he also loved hearing Kuroo’s voice. He loved having him around. Can he help it? His practice matches and the loud noises of the gymnasium just aren’t the same without him around, the clubroom more mundane, the train ride home so much longer and colder.

“Tetsurou-kun, have you eaten anything yet?”

Kenma’s thoughts were halted with an unfamiliar voice from the other side of the call. It was a soft, high-pitched voice. “Huh? Oh, no, not yet.” Kuroo replied, looking to the side.  The other party seems to be standing just off camera.

“Who are you calling?” She asked again.

“Kenma.”

_ A classmate maybe?  _ Kenma thought.

“Ah, okay. Do you want to get some food? I can bring you french fries at least, or something.”

“Ah, yeah. Sure. Thanks, Yui-chan.”

_ Ah. His girlfriend, then.  _

Kenma thought that was the case. She seems to be worried about him, so that’s good. He couldn’t really see her face but she sounded pretty nice. Her voice seems cute; feminine. “Girlfriend?” He said, his voice tight.

“Uh, Yeah.”

Actually, he just realized that his whole chest feels tight; He didn’t know if it was the stupid flowers or his stupid feelings, but he hates it anyway. “I can’t believe someone is actually into you.”

“Um, rude?? I am  _ extremely  _ attractive.”

Kenma said nothing, and Kuroo took that as an insult and thus proceeded to justify his ludicrous claims. Of course, Kenma knew painfully well how attractive Kuroo can be (as well as how miserably  _ un _ attractive he actually is when you get to know him; Kenma has seen a lot), but that’s not what’s bothering him right now. What’s bothering him is the fact that his larynx might be, or most probably, is completely blocked by the flowers. He muted his mic, placed his phone screen down to block the camera and began coughing profusely. From the other side he can hear Kuroo talking to him “Hey, Why’d you do that for?!”, then “What’s happening? Kenma? Did you mute your mic?”, and then: “You’re coughing again aren’t you?”

_ Ah, shit.  _ Kenma hurriedly removed all the flower petals he managed to get out on his lap and threw it to the nearby trash bin. “I’m not” He finally said, unmuting and putting his phone back in position; His voice sounded more strained than he would’ve hoped, but Kuroo was beginning to worry too much. “I’m fine Kuro.”

“What just happened?”

“Nothing. You were being annoying, is all.”

“You were coughing again weren’t you? Are you okay?”

_ What do you care?  _ Kenma wanted to say, but it was misplaced anger. What he’s actually angry at? He’s not sure himself, but definitely not Kuroo. Possibly, he’s more mad at himself. At the situation.

“I’m fine. Stop worrying. Go get some food.” Kuroo’s harush tone only made him panic that much more. Kuroo cares about him. He knows that. He knows it painfully well. Just not in the way he’d like it to be.

He’s perfectly aware however, that that’s a really selfish thing for him to even think of. The jumble of clashing emotions inside of him just gets louder and louder--

“Stop avoiding the subject. I’ll drag your ass to the hospital if I have to, and I will if you don’t te--”

And Kuroo’s concern for him does absolutely nothing good to fix that.

“Bye, Kuro.” Kenma closed the call abruptly, cutting off what Kuroo wanted to say. He can’t take it right now. The pain in his chest and the pain in his throat both suffocating, prickling and sharp, stabbing. Like a million small needles constantly piercing through his skin. Kuroo wants to help him; He knows that. It’s just that he can’t. No one can. Kuroo doesn’t love him and he knows that as a fact. It doesn’t matter if he confesses or not, it doesn’t matter if Kuroo accepts him or not; that fact won’t change. And that fact alone pains him more than what he can handle.

What was he about to do again?  _ I can’t breathe, fuck. _

Homework. That’s right. 

_ It hurts. I hate this. Why the hell is this happening to me? _

Kenma kept his expressions level as he wrote down equations on his textbook. He was suffocating, but he had nothing else to do. His hand had to keep moving, his brain counting, one point five times eight times the cosine of five over three pi… He can feel his eyes burning, breath unbearably heavy. Why the hell did he do to have to go through all of this?  _ No, don’t think about that. _ A 25 cm long rope with two tied ends oscillating in the frequency of 225 hertz, the wavelength would be… Suddenly he felt something sharp down his throat; The petals finally reached the back of his mouth and his gag reflex kicked in. He immediately stood up and rushed to the trash bin, hacking and coughing, pulling out,  _ plucking  _ out _ ,  _ more sunflower petals than he thought could fit inside his mouth. The sight of blood on the tips made him feel dizzy. He mustered up just enough strength to down a bottle of water he placed on the table; He’s positive some of the forget-me-not buds went down with it, but he couldn’t care less about swallowing a few flowers now. The metallic taste of blood and the bitterness of the petals mixed in his mouth and he just wanted to wash them down. Away, away, disappearing from his senses.

The pain in his chest, however, remained. Kenma doubts it will ever leave. He calmed down and wiped off the water off the corner of his mouth; he doesn’t know how much time he’s spent coughing, but he’s secretly relieved that his mother, probably watching TV downstairs, didn’t come rushing in in the middle of it. By the time it stopped, homework felt like the least important thing he should be doing right now, but he sat back and continued doing it anyway. The physical pain might have stopped, but dealing with one-sided love isn’t as easy a task as Kenma would’ve liked. 

The physical pain might have stopped, but this is a different type of pain; a different sense of bitterness than just the taste of chlorophyll. This pain won’t leave. It won’t subside. It won’t go away by pulling out a few flower petals, much less by doing nothing. The pain of heartbreak, he thought, the pain of loneliness, he would bring down to his grave.

_ Not that my grave is that far away, judging by the looks of this. _

But what can he do? Kenma sighed and continued doing his homework, annoyed more than anything. 

_ What a fucking pain.  _

\-----

**8:52 PM** Kenma?

**8:52 PM** What happened?

**8:52 PM** Are you okay?

**8:53 PM** Please tell me you didn’t pass out

**8:53 PM** Kenmaaa

**8:53 PM** Are you okay??

**8:54 PM** What happened??

**9:03 PM** Are you mad at me?

**9:10 PM** Kenma are you okay? 

**9:10 PM** Kenma-saan

**9:34 PM** Please answer me

**9:55 PM** Hey

**10:22 PM** Heyy

The flurry of messages that followed he didn’t open until the next day. The phone he put on silent lights up every new text he receives from a certain someone, and even that he couldn’t stand (he turned his phone off shortly after the third message). At that point it’s become somewhat irrelevant, but he does feel guilty in hindsight for leaving the conversation so abruptly.

**_5:33 AM_ ** _ I’m sorry. _

**_5:34 AM_ ** _ I’m fine. Still alive. I was a little tired yesterday. _

And then he added:

**_5:50 AM_ ** _ The coughs were irrelevant. I’m not sick. _

The volleyball idiot and unexpectedly serious Kuroo is probably wide awake at that point, but without even waiting for the reply, Kenma turned his phone back off and got ready for morning practice (One of the perks of being captain: he can’t exactly skip those any longer, not that Kuroo ever lets him even back when he was a regular member).

Before he made his way to the school gymnasium he had to drink water and make sure nothing is blocking the airway; clearing his throat and taking deep breaths, trying his best not to slouch has annoyingly painful consequences if he doesn’t remember them-- Because that’s what Kozume Kenma’s life has come to this past few days.  _ Thanks to a certain someone.  _ Though he didn’t actually think that. Call it a suspension of disbelief of some sort; He doesn’t actually believe it, but it’s the only explanation he’s got and he subconsciously has accepted it as true. The consequences of those choices, though, are something he does not want to go through a great deal of thinking about. 

So, for now, it’s both a suspension of disbelief and a suspension of trust. A stalemate that he would have to get out of eventually. Honestly, he’d rather not have ‘unrequited love’ be the cause of all this. Something like radioactively induced genetic mutation, maybe? He’s not really sure how that would work but science is pretty weird; he wouldn’t put it out of the question. ‘The work of some lonely witch with nothing better to do’ sounds like the premise of some dumb romantic-comedy light novel, though he really doesn’t want to have any part in that. ‘The beginning of a quest to search for 7 glowing orbs to remove the devil’s curse’ is absolutely also a viable option. Actually, that sounds fun. And also dangerous and a major pain in the arse, but fun. ‘Unrequited love’ just adds unnecessary drama. 

_ ‘And with Kuro, of all people? Really?’ _

This part he really didn’t believe in. Or rather, he didn’t want to. But Kenma’s not stupid. It’s just that there are complicated reasons vis-à-vis the ‘unrequited’ part of the crush situation, mainly because of the odd vegetation he finds growing from his larynx inner wall tissue from time to time.

For example, if he were to accept it as true he would be presented with two options: die of suffocation by not telling Kuroo about his feelings, or die of suffocation thanks to Kuroo rejecting him. Both of those he’d really be able to live without.

Of course, there is a third option. Kuroo accepting his feelings; in which case the flowers would magically disappear, apparently. But, by virtue of his own pride in the matter―and perhaps more importantly, of the fact that Kuroo  _ doesn’t  _ return his feelings (a fact which he knows to be true)―he’s going to ignore that the option is available. So between the two, he considers, he would much prefer the first; you know, if he has to die at all.

There’s a reason why Kenma is the “brain” of Nekoma’s volleyball club. There’s a reason why everyone trusts him so much. He’s a strategic thinker. He’s beyond used to thinking about worst case scenarios, considering which is more likely to happen―it’s in his second nature. Kuroo’s a kind guy, surprisingly. Kenma knows that better than anyone. Even if Kenma were to confess (which, he stresses, he won’t) Kuroo wouldn’t ridicule him about it. Kuroo wouldn’t laugh, he wouldn’t dismiss it as a joke either. In all likelihood, if Kenma does confess to him, Kuroo would reject him with kind words. Probably more apologies than what would be necessary, along with the weird expression that he has whenever he’s bothered by something. 

Point is, it would bother him. Kenma’s feelings would bother him, and Kenma doesn’t want that. Because, as much as he likes Kuroo, he also likes Kuroo. He likes what they have right now; just as much as he wants them to be something more.

Does he even want that? He wonders for a second. A small part of him hates to admit it, but then he realizes, yes. Of course. Of course he does. Lovers, boyfriends… What do the foreigners call it nowadays? partners? whatever it is, whatever the name; He wants to be something more. But at the cost of risking ruining their friendship? No, absolutely not.

Not even when he’s faced with the possibility that his own life is on the line.

And so there he was, back in his stalemate. He’s not despairing or anything, it’s not like his whole life has gone to absolute shit, but even strategically speaking, there really is nothing he can do about it. Or so he convinced himself into thinking-- who knows what the future holds. Either way there exists a status quo in this situation, and Kenma is determined to keep it no matter what. If that means avoiding Kuroo for the entire week, then so be it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- The title for this chapter is from the song "Space and Time" by Joseph Fink
> 
> So... Life got in the way of me finishing this up on schedule, and I had a couple thousand words ready for publishing but I just kept revising and revising in the hopes of making it of a better production quality than my previous fics. After abandoning it for months I realized I was putting pressure in myself I didn't really need, so I finally sat down and wrote however I pleased with it, like I used to do with my other fics. The result was this chapter and a continuation that I hope doesn't disappoint the few people who will stumble upon this. I do think this isn't the best I can come up in terms of storytelling, word choice, and plot in general, but it's what I'm most comfortable with when writing, and with this self indulgent account, with this platform, I think that's the best way to go about it. I apologize for the drop in storytelling quality control but i'd be happy if you'd continue reading it anyway :) I'll try my best at this, and definitely won't give up on it no matter how long it takes me. It'd be great if even one of you who read this (long ass) note can stick around long enough to see me reach it.
> 
> tl;dr I'm back to crush my own heart but hopefully quicker this time


End file.
